I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Randomize
