I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
