I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
