Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
