The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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