Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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