my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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