I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
We talked him into tasing himself.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
