I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
