Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
