i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
