So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
