insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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