i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
