my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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