Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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