She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
