Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
