the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
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