I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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