I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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