I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
