Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
