you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
