my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
