Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
