Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
