Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
