so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
