So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
