Fine. I'll sleep in my office
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
