...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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