The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize