Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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