True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
