I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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