On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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