I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
cat food counts as protein by the way
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
