I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
