I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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