i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
