he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
