I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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