What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
