Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
