i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
