She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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