I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
