just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
