I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think pants incapable of making pants work
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
