my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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