Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Randomize
