You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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