Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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