I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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