FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
