im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
