I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
