i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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