Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
