Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Less talking, more tequila
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
